An old story. Based on fact, it may ring "lyrical" to a few readers.
The carnival party in Violet's house was in full swing. Laughter and singing could be heard from every corner of the room. Couples of various persuasions were busy doing what couples do when drink is plentiful and lips are sealed.
Violet, Vi to her friends, paraded through the rooms in the guise of her serene royal highness, a role that suited her well. She and all others had come to accept that she was always the most beautiful woman in the room, the most desirable woman of all.
Violet was a "party girl", living at the edge of propriety. Suitors came and went, leaving their hearts and wallets behind.
Vi surveyed the scene.
"I have made love to most of the men and nearly half the women in this room. I must be doing something right."
Her inward chuckle was interrupted by a deep cough. Two of the men that seemed to always be trailing her offered their assistance. She waved them away saying it was a peanut that went down wrong. The two men retreated just far enough away that they would be able to hear any signs of distress.
A third young man knew it was not a peanut. His eyes had never left her since she came into the room. His name was Alfred and he loved Vi like no other. He was worried that it was her non stop partying life that was robbing her of her health. He had even checked on her condition every day of Vi's recent bout with illness.
He approached her and begged her to move out to the countryside with him. "The fresh air and my love would soon return you to health", he vowed.
Vi smiled and kissed him lightly on the cheek. She said "you're sweet. Get me a drink please, and see if you can get everybody to agree to sing the same freaking song. This place sounds like a train station".
Alfred was very happy to do anything at all for her. He commanded every ones attention then led them into a rousing drinking song
Vi inwardly groaned. It was the song her father had written many years before.
Violet was the illegitimate child of Joseph Green, perhaps the most popular composer for the stage of his time. In public he had denied Vi's existence, in private he loved her like a prodigal daughter. The song the crowd was singing was one of his greatest hits and Violet was tired of hearing it. To the crowd, however, she gave a radiant smile. She understood they were just seeking her approval, and it had been Alfred's choice.
"Poor Freddy", she thought. "He has no idea that love and fresh air wont help. "
The two most important words in her life echoed in her brain.
"Terminal."
"Remission."
She had been in remission for several months. She partied like there would be no tomorrow, knowing that for her it would soon be true. She had been ill for a few days prior to carnival. She suspected her period of remission was over.
Alfred returned with her drink.
Vi had in fact thought about moving to the countryside for a while. She thought it may buy her some time. Alfred had also been gaining some unexpected headway in her heart. Nothing is more appealing to a woman than a man with adoring eyes.
Alfred presented her with a small gift box. It contained two camellias . Her favorite.
Vi had always treated Alfred like an adoring puppy. He was one of the few in the room she had not bedded. She decided to remedy that.
She took one of the camellias and attached it to his costume.
"Come back to see me when the bloom fades", she said.
She resumed her rounds, kissing and caressing many as many kissed and caressed her.
Alfred remained glued to the spot, wishing with all his might that the flower would wilt, NOW!
It would take two days of eternity for the flower to fade. The second he saw a blemish on a petal Alfred appeared at Violet's door with dozens of camellias. Ann, Violet's nurse-companion, ushered him to the bedroom.
Violet looked as pale as the flowers, but this was a good day. She greeted Alfred with ardor and their love making lasted through the night. He was the most considerate lover she had ever had, giving his all insuring her pleasure. She had several breathtaking orgasms before he allowed himself his first. By dawn he had won her over by his gentle passion.
They soon moved to a country home as their love for each other intensified. Vi had many more good days than bad and wondered if her love for Alfred or the Eden-like setting and the fresh air was most responsible. She was as happy as she had ever been.
Their love making became intense at times, draining Violet of all energy. Alfred would then shower her entire body with gentle kisses until Vi slipped into a peaceful sleep. They made love in the garden by sunlight and moonlight.
There were times in which they both knew Ann was watching them consume their passion, but they did not mind. Violet had made herself a promise to make love to Ann, as proof of her fondness for one who cared so much for her.
Months passed and their life was bliss. There was, however, a mounting financial problem to be solved. Alfred was the son of a prominent man and when he took up with Violet his finances had been curtailed. Violet sought to remedy this by selling some of her property and sent Ann to the city to do just that on more than one occasion.
Ann could clearly see the benefits an adoring lover and the fresh air brought to Violet. She also saw the concern over finances as a potential set back. Before leaving for the city she took Alfred aside and explained the situation to him.
She said to Alfred, " I know she has been keeping things secret from you, but I think you need to know. Vi has been selling off property to keep the two of you here. Bills are mounting and I am now on my way to sell some more. I am sure you can find a way to help her in this".
Alfred had been so enraptured by love that the thought of money had never crossed his mind. He followed Ann to the city and set out to get enough money to repay Violet and keep their lives together worry free.
Violet was alone when George, Alfred's father, came to visit. He was a leader in the community with a reputation to uphold. He could not abide the gossip linking his son with a kept woman.
He at first tried to impose his will on his son but to no avail. In desperation he had come to the woman. The impending wedding of his daughter, Alfred's sister, was the catalyst. The possibility of Alfred attending the social event of the season with a "courtesan" had filled him with dread.
George challenged Vi by saying, "if your love for my son is real you will not harm his families reputation or his future. You will give him up".
Violet was devastated. His arguments rung true. She had heard from her friends that Alfred had been ostracized but since he had spent all his time with her he probably did not even realize it. That was why she had silently been supporting them.
Violet realized her last chance at happiness had evaporated. She knew her life would be short. She hoped Alfred would live a long happy life.
Vi tearfully agreed to leave him.
George had come into the room feeling only contempt for Violet. He left with admiration for her and a small portion of regret. He could now see in her what his son saw in her.
Alfred returned as Violet was leaving. She hurried past him without an explanation. After she was gone she sent a note back to him effectively ending the relationship. She did not mention his fathers visit.
Alfred was confused, furious, heartbroken. His rant took him to a table and as he looked for clues he found a party invitation from Flo, Violets closest friend.
He took this as an indication that Vi was bored with their life and wished to return to her previous party filled existence.
The following week, with invitation in hand, Alfred went to the party. Flo had a few words with him to gauge his mood but he assured her he was there only to party.
Some time passed before Vi made her entrance. She was escorted by a prominent business baron. Alfred fought back a jealous rage and immediately pleaded Violet to return to him. Her heart breaking, Violet claimed to now be in love with her new suitor.
Alfred sulked until a card game broke out. Seated at the table was Vi's purported new love. In a cold fury Alfred joined the game and quickly had a major portion of his rivals money. Trash talking had become insults. The game ended in acrimony.
Alfred sought every ones awareness and announced, "it has come to my attention that I owe this woman some money", pointing at Violet. "Let no one say I do not repay my debts".
He threw the money at Violet. The shock and outrage in the room immediately engulfed Alfred. Among those stunned by his crassness was his own father, that had arrived just in time to witness his behavior.
The overwhelming emotional pain that devoured Violet was felt by all. Protecting and consoling her became the sole goal of the gathering. Challenges were issued and accepted. The evening ended in turmoil.
Time passed. It was once again carnival time. The sounds of revelry filtered from the street into Violets bedroom. She lay in her bed and remembered the last carnival, the one in which Alfred had given her camellias.
Ann saw the saddest of smiles cross the loveliest face she ever knew. She held back the tears as well as she could.
Ann had loved Vi from day one. She knew that Violet's time was a limited but somehow she had allowed her to become the most important person in the world.
Ann and Vi made love only once, under the stars in an Eden-like garden, long ago.
Her first duty remained as a nurse. When chills threatened to overwhelm Vi, Ann joined her naked in bed, adding her own body heat under the blankets. When the chills subsided Ann stayed with Vi, kissing and caressing her until Violet fell asleep.
Violet was dying.
The doctor provided by her father had confirmed to Ann that all her time was gone. The two were now just waiting for the end.
Vi was holding on by a thread of hope bestowed to her by a letter. It was from George, Alfred's father. He begged her forgiveness and said Alfred had been told of her sacrifice for him. He promised that as soon as his son returned from the exile imposed by his confrontation with the business baron they would come to see her.
Violet held on to the promise for dear life, it was all she had.
Her life was down to just a few moments when Alfred and his father arrived. Violet's heart soared as the love of her life embraced her.
Alfred asked her forgiveness and promised to never leave her again.
His kisses and his love made her pain disappear. She felt whole, at peace.
Violet was smiling when her last breath left her body.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
it isn't sex that keeps you together
it isn’t sex
that keeps you together
although you may be together
during sex
for together for a second
or an hour
does not mean
that love comes next…
or that it even came before
or that it will come at all…
some think: love or sex?
what the heck!
as long as we both have a ball;
the ins and outs of sex alone
lead to climaxes—not long-lasting
yet when it comes to love
you’re so far above
it’s like comparing
eating all you want to fasting;
if i give a little here
and a little there
and get just the same
in return
am i any better
or just a giver/getter
who still has much to learn
about this thing called love
and not how to just love these things
between both our legs
and the pleasure
that it sometimes brings?
but what if sex
is all we have—
is all we think about?
is all we ever see?
is something we cannot
go without?
well, if I had a choice—
which we always do—
i’d choose love ahead of sex
for then you’ll likely have sex, too.
-xBrain-
if love
comes first,
sex is second
to none.
that keeps you together
although you may be together
during sex
for together for a second
or an hour
does not mean
that love comes next…
or that it even came before
or that it will come at all…
some think: love or sex?
what the heck!
as long as we both have a ball;
the ins and outs of sex alone
lead to climaxes—not long-lasting
yet when it comes to love
you’re so far above
it’s like comparing
eating all you want to fasting;
if i give a little here
and a little there
and get just the same
in return
am i any better
or just a giver/getter
who still has much to learn
about this thing called love
and not how to just love these things
between both our legs
and the pleasure
that it sometimes brings?
but what if sex
is all we have—
is all we think about?
is all we ever see?
is something we cannot
go without?
well, if I had a choice—
which we always do—
i’d choose love ahead of sex
for then you’ll likely have sex, too.
-xBrain-
if love
comes first,
sex is second
to none.
How to Write A Love Letter
Rumor has it that the first love letter was “written” by accident by two young lovers enjoying a picnic together. After eating a juicy pomegranate, the man pressed his lips to a white cloth and noticed that an impression of his mouth remained. In a romantic gesture, he handed it to his lover saying, “With the stain from my lips, I officially pass my love to you.” The woman was genuinely moved because he had put his love in print.
Love letters are the most cherished gift lovers can give to each other. Not only do they make you feel loved, they allow you to relive the experience each time you open the letter. Not too many romantic offerings carry this much weight. Despite this, they are so rarely given. Why? The answer is simple; it’s because no one knows how to write one.
To start, it’s important to know that a love letter does not have to be very long in length. Instead, it can be as short as you’d like … even one sentence if you choose. “Length phobia” is one of the main deterrents to writing a love letter. Don’t fall prey to this. You can communicate your affection by using many words or a select few.
A Simple Framework
There is an art to writing a love letter and it’s easier than you might think. Overall, you don’t have to be a good writer to turn out beautiful love letters. All you need is a simple framework to follow that guides you through the process. Within this structure is a set of three elements that need to be included: 1.The opening – How you address your partner, 2.The middle – stating your feelings, and 3.The end – your final words.
Salutation
The easiest part of a letter is the opening. Not only this, but it sets the tone for the entire letter which is why it’s important to carefully choose your words. For instance, a letter that begins with, “My dearest love” is certainly going to provoke more feeling from your partner than an opening that reads, “Hi.” This is the time to use pet names, affectionate greetings, or a loving phrase. If you get stuck trying to come up with an opening to your letter, try one of these: Hello Love, Treasured Soul Mate, My Dearest, Ever Dearest, The one I love the most, My Darling, Sweetheart.
State your Feelings
For many people, creating the body of a love letter is anything but easy. To simplify this, the best thing to do is quote others who describe your feelings in a way you can’t. There is no need to recreate the wheel. Quotations are a good thing to include in a love letter to help you convey feelings you may otherwise have difficulty expressing. A thoughtful, romantic citation is sure to bowl over your lover.
The Final Word
Ending a letter can sometimes be more of a struggle than creating the body. Not adding a meaningful ending, leaves the reader with an anticlimactic feeling. For example, a letter that ends with, “Sincerely” will not make as much of an impression on your partner as, “Yours for eternity.” The key is making sure that you choose your last word as carefully as your first. To help ease you through this final step, listed below are several to choose from: Yours truly, Yours devotedly and lovingly, I hold you in my thoughts, Most faithfully yours, or All my heart.
There you have it, the recipe for writing a simple love letter without having to fret while doing it. The format is so easy, all you have to do is cut and paste your beginning, middle, and end from your favorite phrases above. You can’t get any easier than that and your lover will never know the truth.
Love letters are the most cherished gift lovers can give to each other. Not only do they make you feel loved, they allow you to relive the experience each time you open the letter. Not too many romantic offerings carry this much weight. Despite this, they are so rarely given. Why? The answer is simple; it’s because no one knows how to write one.
To start, it’s important to know that a love letter does not have to be very long in length. Instead, it can be as short as you’d like … even one sentence if you choose. “Length phobia” is one of the main deterrents to writing a love letter. Don’t fall prey to this. You can communicate your affection by using many words or a select few.
A Simple Framework
There is an art to writing a love letter and it’s easier than you might think. Overall, you don’t have to be a good writer to turn out beautiful love letters. All you need is a simple framework to follow that guides you through the process. Within this structure is a set of three elements that need to be included: 1.The opening – How you address your partner, 2.The middle – stating your feelings, and 3.The end – your final words.
Salutation
The easiest part of a letter is the opening. Not only this, but it sets the tone for the entire letter which is why it’s important to carefully choose your words. For instance, a letter that begins with, “My dearest love” is certainly going to provoke more feeling from your partner than an opening that reads, “Hi.” This is the time to use pet names, affectionate greetings, or a loving phrase. If you get stuck trying to come up with an opening to your letter, try one of these: Hello Love, Treasured Soul Mate, My Dearest, Ever Dearest, The one I love the most, My Darling, Sweetheart.
State your Feelings
For many people, creating the body of a love letter is anything but easy. To simplify this, the best thing to do is quote others who describe your feelings in a way you can’t. There is no need to recreate the wheel. Quotations are a good thing to include in a love letter to help you convey feelings you may otherwise have difficulty expressing. A thoughtful, romantic citation is sure to bowl over your lover.
The Final Word
Ending a letter can sometimes be more of a struggle than creating the body. Not adding a meaningful ending, leaves the reader with an anticlimactic feeling. For example, a letter that ends with, “Sincerely” will not make as much of an impression on your partner as, “Yours for eternity.” The key is making sure that you choose your last word as carefully as your first. To help ease you through this final step, listed below are several to choose from: Yours truly, Yours devotedly and lovingly, I hold you in my thoughts, Most faithfully yours, or All my heart.
There you have it, the recipe for writing a simple love letter without having to fret while doing it. The format is so easy, all you have to do is cut and paste your beginning, middle, and end from your favorite phrases above. You can’t get any easier than that and your lover will never know the truth.
Love Like I've Never Had Before
Who rises from the banks of the river
And runs through a blanket of flowers to me?
Though knowing promised fruits she will deliver
I plan seduction with a ring the key.
Oh how sweet to rest in her arms flung wide!
They're ever waving as her feet skip bare,
Toes twinking from dew, a smile of a bride,
Then she stands tip toe - no kiss is so rare!
In her arms, blue shooting stars come to me;
Seen that night from her land on the lawn;
My pocket, the sapphire ring held safely
Born for the moment when we should both yawn.
A ring for her finger promised July;
That the stars ordained it, who could deny?
How shall the lover hope to be happy
Whom fate has severed from his love's sweet breast,
Parted by distance longer than should be?
He should listen to the blowing wind's request
And stand under the Golden Elm each day
And let Nature tell of love in her heart.
Falls the frailest leaf - "Your love's leaf, last will stay."
The swinging spider's silver line says its part,
"Oh your love is strong, so beautiful."
The pearl rain drop that runs down the line agrees
And adds - "Your love's so caring, so gentle."
"Never oh never!" voice surrounding trees
"Will your true love's heart fail you from afar
Just as winds will blow while our sun's a star."
And runs through a blanket of flowers to me?
Though knowing promised fruits she will deliver
I plan seduction with a ring the key.
Oh how sweet to rest in her arms flung wide!
They're ever waving as her feet skip bare,
Toes twinking from dew, a smile of a bride,
Then she stands tip toe - no kiss is so rare!
In her arms, blue shooting stars come to me;
Seen that night from her land on the lawn;
My pocket, the sapphire ring held safely
Born for the moment when we should both yawn.
A ring for her finger promised July;
That the stars ordained it, who could deny?
How shall the lover hope to be happy
Whom fate has severed from his love's sweet breast,
Parted by distance longer than should be?
He should listen to the blowing wind's request
And stand under the Golden Elm each day
And let Nature tell of love in her heart.
Falls the frailest leaf - "Your love's leaf, last will stay."
The swinging spider's silver line says its part,
"Oh your love is strong, so beautiful."
The pearl rain drop that runs down the line agrees
And adds - "Your love's so caring, so gentle."
"Never oh never!" voice surrounding trees
"Will your true love's heart fail you from afar
Just as winds will blow while our sun's a star."
Monday, March 19, 2007
How to Appreciate A Woman
Appreciation is a potent drug. When a woman appreciates a man she lets him know he is respected and trusted. When a man appreciates a woman she gets to feel cherished and beautiful. And not only does appreciation cause different effects in women and men, it needs to be administered differently to women than to men.
Don’t worry about asking your doctor for a prescription, appreciation is an over-the-counter medication (or over the bed rail, the kitchen table, the hood of the car…) Want to really appreciate your woman? Here’s how.
Disclaimer: administration of the information herein may result in the exposure of parts of the woman in your life that she has seldom revealed to you. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, wild abandon, sweet surrender, and squealing playfulness, as well as any other combination of the adjectives and verbs that comprise her unfathomable nature.
But Winning Is Everything, Isn’t It?
You were conceived, born, grew up. You got to the prepubescent age and started noticing that funny feeling in your lower belly when you oh-so-subtly snuck up on “that” girl on the playground and pulled her pigtails; when you acted cocky in front of your friends, for her benefit, with a joke or a heroic effort in a football game; when you ran after her in the hallway or after school, “Hey, Allison, wait up! Carry your books?”
Then you reached puberty. Your cock started getting hard when you would see Allison, think about Allison, dream about Allison…and when the wind would blow. You couldn’t keep your hands off your cock, and you could barely keep your hands off Allison. This is when you got the message that you had to become either a Nice Boy or a Bad Boy. Remember that? Oh sure, there were variations of the game—Jock, Nerd, Burnout, Poet— but it all boils down to Nice Boy or Bad Boy. Which did you choose? Nice? Bad? Some combination thereof? Was it a tag-team effort depending on which role was required in the moment to obtain the Golden Fleece (so to speak)?
So, you developed your Nice Boy-Bad Boy game plan, or you decided to sit on the bench, or you may even have been inclined to join the other team and avoid the opposite sex altogether. Whatever your game plan, this guide is aimed at those seeking to better and more deeply appreciate a feminine heart, whether that heart is in the body of a woman or a man. Modulate pronouns as you see fit.
You practiced. You adjusted your game plan. You had some degree of success and some degree of failure. At some point, you scored, you made fire, you bagged your doe, you got yourself a woman. Touch down! Two points! He shoots, he scores! It’s in the hole!
Ok, so now that you’ve got her, what do you do with her? How do you keep her? Why would she stay? What can you offer her?
It’s Not Whether You Win Or Lose…
A woman is not a goal line reward. She is not a trophy. She is not an accomplishment. She is a flower, the weather, the full spectrum radiance of light itself. She is a great mystery, an unfathomable beauty. And, like these things, she is a gift to be appreciated, not a problem to be fixed or a goal to be achieved.
Don’t get me wrong, she enjoys the hunt and the game, being the prey and the prize. So don’t box up your broad heads or high tops and put them in the basement behind the holiday decorations just yet. She feels seen and beautiful when you pursue her. But if she feels unappreciated, there will be no pursuit, or anything else.
You may be asking, “But doesn’t the fact that I won her show her that I appreciate her?” “Wasn’t appreciating her part of the whole ‘winning her’ thing?” “Can’t I just quietly slip out of bed, grab my clothes and shoes and leave…or maybe just call her a cab?” Sure. Go ahead. I’m sure she’ll let you know just how much she felt appreciated if you do that. Let me know how that works out for you.
You know when a woman’s feminine heart feels unappreciated. She is angry, grouchy and irritable. She doesn’t take care of herself. She withdraws, withholds, shuts down, closes up. She complains and nags, takes charge, tells you what to do, does things herself that she expected you to do. She undermines and threatens. She usurps your power, cuts you down to size and goes for your balls.
You may think her anger, however she expresses it, is a punishment for you, but it isn’t. Every woman knows that when she is feeling unappreciated and unloved, and is acting out in anger because of it, she is really punishing herself. Deep down in her heart, she blames herself for your lack of attention, presence and integrity. She feels she is not beautiful or loveable. She feels worthless and unseen. If you think this is how she wants to feel, then you probably think that a 4.6L DOHC 4 valve per cylinder engine sounds better with a thrown rod.
Whatever social, philosophical or psychological partnership models and rules you subscribe to, however much you value being equal partners in an equitable and comfortable 50-50 relationship, those blueprints no longer apply at this point (and never really did). When you promised to be with this woman, whether you asked for it or not, she gave you her heart. She trusted you with it. You are responsible for it. It is in your hands. If you aren’t willing to do whatever needs to be done to rise to the occasion, you should save yourself, and her, a lot of trouble, pain and grief, and simply leave.
This is a challenge, a test, my friend. She wants you to step up. She has given her heart to you and she is laying it bare, open and raw before you because she knows—she knows in the very fiber of her being—that you have what it takes, that you measure up, and that you are the man for the job. But she’s not going to keep offering her heart to you forever. Sooner or later, if you don’t step up, you’ll have used your time outs and the buzzer will sound. This is a challenge. Take it as such. Men grow through challenge. Time to separate the men from the boys.
This sounds harsh. It sounds impossible. It sounds like a hassle and a burden. A real pain in the ass. The short end of the stick. But, as men, we aren’t always attuned to the subtle messages and nuances of the feminine heart. She has probably been turning up the volume for years before we have finally heard how she feels. For many of us, it’s too late when it gets to this point. She is too angry to open up to us again, to trust us again and feel the pain of our failure to respond one more time. She leaves.
There you have it. She’s gone. No more hassle. No more burden. No more pain in the ass. Finally, a fair deal. We’re free, right? Or are we? If we can’t find our freedom, a sense of knowing who we are and what we’re here to do, while we’re in the midst of relationship and its inherent pathos and drama, then we are not really free at all, are we (notice, that’s not a question.)
The Challenge
I paint a pretty harrowing picture, I know. Edvard Munch’s painting, The Scream, comes to mind. But it doesn’t have to be this way (yet again.) As a matter of fact, there are some basic instructions you can follow to troubleshoot, repair and maintain your relationship and deeply serve the feminine heart in your life, to encourage her in giving her gift of beauty to you and to the world (figuratively speaking, of course, unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
This is a challenge, yes. But taking on this challenge presents us with unforeseen rewards. Each time we step up and stand our ground in the miraculous, tumultuous, unfathomable heart of a woman, while not compromising our freedom and integrity, we accomplish several things: we take back our balls; we allow her to give us her pleasure (which is a greater reward than feeling our own pleasure); and we become better men. If you need a payoff, and serving your woman for her sake, not yours, isn’t your primary motivation, then these rewards probably won’t be enough for you either. Better to stop reading here.
But, if you’re feeling man enough to take up the gauntlet, then enter at your own risk, for here there be dragons.
How do you appreciate a woman? 1. Earn her trust. 2. Claim her heart. 3. Be fully present with her. 4. Push past her defenses
To perfect the slapshot you have to first have a proper stance on the ice, followed by proper puck positioning, and finish with proper weight transfer and follow through with your swing. If your initial stance is out of balance, the whole shot is off, but when each phase of the shot is mastered and performed in the proper sequence, the whole slapshot transcends the sum of its parts and becomes a beautiful and powerful act of artistry. The four phases of appreciating a woman are the same. It works best to gain competency in one phase before moving on to the next. Once competency is gained in all four phases, the phases of the process can come together masterfully and artfully.
1. Earn Her Trust
Keep your word. Walk your talk. Take the initiative. Decide what you’re going to do, tell her what and when, and then do it. Seems simple enough, doesn’t it?
Before we can keep our word, we have to take the initiative, decide what our word is, and then we have to say it out loud. This takes more courage than we like to admit. Every time we take the initiative and make a decision and voice it, we risk rejection. Remember, nobody ever died from rejection, and the fear of it is always worse than the reality. If your woman knows you’ll collapse at the first sign of rejection, she’ll keep pressing that Big Red Button until you overcome it. She will continue to test you. That’s her job. You will continue to rise to the occasion. That’s your job.
Refusing to take initiative is the safe way out. We know it well. Ever say something like this to your woman? “Honey, it’s your birthday, and I want to take you out to dinner, and then shopping. We can go anywhere you want, just let me know what you decide!” I imagine you got a favorable response.
Have you ever tried something like this? “It’s your birthday. We’re going out. Wear something dressy, black and above the knee. Pack an overnight bag with the red panties, bra and fishnets that make you wet when you wear them. Be ready by eight.” Try it. Thank me later.
If you don’t take the initiative, you put your woman in the position of doing so, and she will feel you don’t trust yourself to take the lead. She wants to trust you, but she won’t if you don’t trust yourself. Why should she?
Taking the initiative doesn’t mean you’re being selfish and laying down the law. This isn’t D/S 101. Take the initiative with confidence, but remember you are doing so not for your own ego or pleasure, but to allow her to trust you, which is what you both want. If she offers positive feedback, then go with it. If she offers negative feedback, then re-evaluate your decision and make a new plan. Honor her feeling. It is her gift to you. But take it as information, not as a Royal Decree.
I have found that a woman’s heart takes priority over her words, and that her heart and her words aren’t always on the same page. She feels appreciated when you trust her heart and feelings more than her words and push past her words into her heart. (Don’t buy that? How many times have you asked an obviously angry or distraught woman what’s wrong and gotten the response, “Nothing!”?)
Taking the initiative is a necessary risk if you want to begin appreciating the feminine heart of the one you love. But keeping your word is the next step in Phase 1 of earning her trust.
Women love Harrison Ford and the men he portrays. Indiana Jones. Han Solo. John Book. Jack Ryan. Even Allie Fox, the over-driven inventor from Mosquito Coast. A defining quality they all share? They say what they’re going to do and they go hell bent for leather, risking life, limb and the security of families, nations and galaxies to get it done (and not even their woman pleading with them not to go or threatening them with divorce or death will keep them from their appointed tasks, their missions, their raison d’etre, which we will address later). Take out the garbage, come home from work on time or give her that back rub like you promised, with that attitude, and see how that reads on the Trust-O-Meter.
We’re talking about integrity here. There is very little that wounds and hurts the feminine heart more than broken promises and patterns of not doing what we say we will do. Taking the initiative and following through is a tall order for generations of men who were taught from an early age that they should be good boys and not be too assertive. Many men have become too accommodating of others to act at all. Strong masculine hearts that are decisive and trustable are too rare, but developing those qualities is a way to deeply appreciate a woman.
There’s a back door to this. If you don’t actually plan to leave the toilet seat down, mow the lawn before the game, or fix her broken headlight after work, then DON’T promise to do it. It’s far better to say NO, than to say YES and not follow through. She will trust and appreciate your NO, as long as you follow through with it. Oh, she may storm or complain, but if you stick to your guns, she will appreciate that you know what you can and can’t do, and when, and that you manage and value your time and energy enough not to placate her with empty promises.
2. Claim Her Heart
It’s a good day to die!
It belongs in a museum!
This is your mission if you choose to accept it.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.
To protect and serve.
I’m here to chew bubblegum and kick ass—and I’m all out of bubblegum.
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
A woman who feels your claim on her heart is a woman who feels deeply appreciated. A woman wants you to take her, pin her to the wall (or table, or floor, or bed) and claim her fully and completely—body, heart and soul. But she doesn’t want to be the reason you wake up in the morning, what drives you, what makes you tick. She doesn’t want to be your reason for being alive. She doesn’t want to be your mission in life. And you can’t claim anyone until you have staked your own claim in the world. She may say that she wants to be your everything but, if you make her your everything, she will know you are easily manipulated and swayed from your course and she won’t fully trust you.
You cannot claim your woman’s heart and make her feel, of all the wildflowers on the mountainside, that she is the woman you choose, unless you know who you are and where you’re going. She wants to be your inspiration, the energy that fires you up to take on the world, your healing balm when you return home from the battle. She will not feel appreciated if you fumble around in life with no greater purpose or mission than to make it to the weekend to watch the game, play your X-Box, or go out with the guys. If you don’t know where you’re going in life, she won’t feel safe enough to let her guard down and fully open up to you, and she will take responsibility for where the relationship is going because you have abdicated not only the responsibility for taking the lead in the relationship but the responsibility of taking the lead in your own life. A woman doesn’t open her heart when she feels needed. She opens her heart when she feels wanted. Life is a great adventure, and a woman wants to be a part of that adventure with you.
There is a John Cusack movie, one of his earlier teenage chick flicks, Say Anything. If you recall, when Cusack’s character, Lloyd, first meets his new girlfriend’s father at dinner, and the father is grilling him about what he wants to do with his life, Lloyd says, “What I want to do with my life is be with your daughter. I’m good at it.” At that moment, Lloyd became even more of a sweetheart to many of the women watching him, but it also became clear that Lloyd had no direction in his own life and was following his girlfriend around like a puppy.
The woman in your life wants to feel that you are living on purpose, that you have a mission that is greater than her and greater than yourself, that you know who you are and what you’re supposed to be doing while you’re here. And she wants to feel that you would rather die than turn from your course, and that you want to die with the rudder in your hands.
If you don’t know who you are or where you’re going, stop whatever you’re doing, including reading this how-to article, and find out. You can’t claim a woman’s heart if you don’t have any ground to stand on. And she won’t feel appreciated if she feels that she is distracting you from knowing who you are and where you’re going.
The masculine heart feels no greater pain than not knowing who he is and where he’s going. Finding out who you are and where you’re going requires that you move out of your comfort zone and be tested, learn your place in the Big Picture, and learn your mission and purpose from whatever you discover is greater than yourself. Nothing you can do will show your appreciation for your woman more than this.
But this is an article informing men how to appreciate a woman, not an article informing men how to live on purpose (although they intersect) so if you’d like that information, or you’re a woman who wants a man in your life to have it, give me a shout out, maybe there’s a how-to waiting to be written.
3. Be Fully Present
Does the woman in your life have to put a shot clock on the nightstand and get open outside the 3 point line to get your attention?
If light, flowers, art, and beauty were persons, they would all want the same thing. They would want to be seen, noticed and paid attention to. That is their nature. Same goes for the woman in your life. The more deeply she is seen, the more she will reveal herself.
You know that a woman is feeling appreciated when she reveals herself to you. She will feel appreciated and reveal herself to you if you focus your full attention on her and are fully present with her without distraction. To a woman, experiencing your full presence is like experiencing your seeing right into her heart and soul.
A woman also knows when you are not paying attention, when you are not noticing her, when you are not fully present. What are the things that distract you from being fully present with your woman? Does the woman in your life wonder if you’d rather be sleeping with David Letterman, your double-bevel laser-leveled compound mitre saw, Yuna from Final Fantasy, or your best friend, Stan?
Am I saying that you have to be fully present with your woman every moment? No. And she doesn’t want that either. As I mentioned, if the woman in your life is the only thing that attracts your attention and presence, she will know you have no sense of who you are and where you’re going. I’m saying that when you have promised to be with your woman, she will feel more appreciated if you give her your full presence and attention.
If you have promised, either directly or indirectly, to be with your woman, and you are distracted by something, your woman will feel that she is less attractive than whatever has distracted you. You may know that she’s more important to you than the latest rerun of Mythbusters, but she won’t feel the truth of that in her heart. She’ll feel unseen, unloved, and unappreciated. Is testing the deceleration rate of various ballistic projectiles in water really worth it?
A masculine heart is not a rainbow. It is a laser beam (doesn’t that make you feel like a superhero?) If you’re a man who has trouble staying on target, focusing all your attention and presence on your priority on the moment, whether that is your work, your play or your woman, then basic relaxation and meditation exercises can help.
You can find books, audio and video, and information on the Internet that provides instruction on basic relaxation and meditation. Only 5-10 minutes a day of mental focusing practices can make a difference in your ability to remain present and undistracted, and it will improve your focus and attention in every area of your life, including your relationships. Don’t take my word for it. Try it and see if the woman in your life feels more appreciated when you’re with her.
When a woman feels your deep presence, she feels she can relax, let her guard down, and reveal herself deeply in her many colors and textures and hues and shapes. Remember, a feminine heart is like the weather, always changing and unfolding. She is the beauty of the calm and the storm, the light and the dark, the heat and the cold.
A woman will even begin to test you when she feels your attention and presence become more focused. She will begin to seemingly throw surprise behaviors and mood changes at you, which will seem irrational and out of the blue (because, to the masculine, they are.) She will feel appreciated if you hold your focus and presence and do not collapse. She doesn’t want to feel you check out, no matter what aspect of her heart she is revealing to you. She wants to be seen fully, even in her wildest, darkest and scariest aspects, and she wants to know you will not collapse, run or check out.
For example, a sure way to get my wife to strip for me and give me a lap dance is for me to work on a project in the same room that she’s in. If I lose focus on my project and pay attention to her, I may get some sugar, but if I stay my course and don’t collapse, I end up with her, um, deeper appreciation (read her how-to entitled How To Appreciate a Man for what that means).
4. Push Past Her Defenses
Once you have earned her trust, claimed her heart, and established a pattern of being present with her without distraction, she will want more. Who wouldn’t? Once she feels appreciated enough to give you her trust, you can continue to appreciate her even more by pushing past her defenses and guiding her to reveal parts of herself that she would not reveal if she didn’t trust you.
You have come to a point with the woman in your life that she trusts you and feels appreciated on a consistent basis. She can still open even more and reveal even more of herself to you, which is what she longs to do. She longs to give herself to you and trust you as completely as possible. She never feels any more appreciated than when you honor her longing by making yourself into a man she can keep revealing more of herself to, the man she knows you are deep down in her secret heart.
Knowing the ways in which your woman wants to open is a matter of feeling what she wants in her heart, feeling what she wants no matter what her behavior and words may say. It’s easy to get confused and be uncertain. Feeling her heart takes practice, but it can be done. It’s not magic.
You can remember those moments when you knew she would enjoy a night out with friends more even though she said she’d rather just stay home, or when she said nothing was wrong but you knew something was bothering her, or when she would feel more attractive in the red dress than the formal black. (And sometimes, no matter what she says, no matter how devoted she’s been to the low-glycemic index since a waffle-less breakfast, she really does want ice cream.)
Use those moments as guidelines to remind you that feeling her heart and acting for her sake is possible, to remember what it feels like when you do it, and practice feeling her heart and pushing past her defenses even though she may be scared or may initially protest.
My wife is a practicing doula, which is a woman who helps women, couples and families during pregnancy, birth and during the first months of the new baby’s life through education and physical and emotional support. My wife’s secret dream was to become a doula. Her first husband wanted her to have “real” job like a “normal” person.
When we first married, my wife could barely even talk with me about her dream. She was so sensitive and full of self-doubt about her dream that, on several occasions, she actually ran and hid when I brought the subject up. I could feel her desire to do this work and offer her amazing gifts in such a vocation even through her fear and self-doubt.
Through encouragement and persistence, I continued to make it safe and possible for her to make her dream a reality. Today she is a much sought-after practicing doula. I don’t take any credit for who she is or what she’s doing. I just helped her by pushing past her defenses and comfort zone so she could find the courage to do what was already in her to do. I earned her trust, claimed her heart and practiced being present with her as the groundwork for helping her to make her dream a reality.
Appreciating a woman is not about what you do, but about who you are. Deeply appreciating a woman requires that you become a trustable and strong man of integrity, because a woman feels most deeply appreciated when she can open her heart and reveal her deep beauty, pleasure, joy and love to you. You can become that man and appreciate your woman by earning her trust, claiming her heart, being fully present with her, and pushing past her defenses.
Don’t worry about asking your doctor for a prescription, appreciation is an over-the-counter medication (or over the bed rail, the kitchen table, the hood of the car…) Want to really appreciate your woman? Here’s how.
Disclaimer: administration of the information herein may result in the exposure of parts of the woman in your life that she has seldom revealed to you. Side effects may include, but are not limited to, wild abandon, sweet surrender, and squealing playfulness, as well as any other combination of the adjectives and verbs that comprise her unfathomable nature.
But Winning Is Everything, Isn’t It?
You were conceived, born, grew up. You got to the prepubescent age and started noticing that funny feeling in your lower belly when you oh-so-subtly snuck up on “that” girl on the playground and pulled her pigtails; when you acted cocky in front of your friends, for her benefit, with a joke or a heroic effort in a football game; when you ran after her in the hallway or after school, “Hey, Allison, wait up! Carry your books?”
Then you reached puberty. Your cock started getting hard when you would see Allison, think about Allison, dream about Allison…and when the wind would blow. You couldn’t keep your hands off your cock, and you could barely keep your hands off Allison. This is when you got the message that you had to become either a Nice Boy or a Bad Boy. Remember that? Oh sure, there were variations of the game—Jock, Nerd, Burnout, Poet— but it all boils down to Nice Boy or Bad Boy. Which did you choose? Nice? Bad? Some combination thereof? Was it a tag-team effort depending on which role was required in the moment to obtain the Golden Fleece (so to speak)?
So, you developed your Nice Boy-Bad Boy game plan, or you decided to sit on the bench, or you may even have been inclined to join the other team and avoid the opposite sex altogether. Whatever your game plan, this guide is aimed at those seeking to better and more deeply appreciate a feminine heart, whether that heart is in the body of a woman or a man. Modulate pronouns as you see fit.
You practiced. You adjusted your game plan. You had some degree of success and some degree of failure. At some point, you scored, you made fire, you bagged your doe, you got yourself a woman. Touch down! Two points! He shoots, he scores! It’s in the hole!
Ok, so now that you’ve got her, what do you do with her? How do you keep her? Why would she stay? What can you offer her?
It’s Not Whether You Win Or Lose…
A woman is not a goal line reward. She is not a trophy. She is not an accomplishment. She is a flower, the weather, the full spectrum radiance of light itself. She is a great mystery, an unfathomable beauty. And, like these things, she is a gift to be appreciated, not a problem to be fixed or a goal to be achieved.
Don’t get me wrong, she enjoys the hunt and the game, being the prey and the prize. So don’t box up your broad heads or high tops and put them in the basement behind the holiday decorations just yet. She feels seen and beautiful when you pursue her. But if she feels unappreciated, there will be no pursuit, or anything else.
You may be asking, “But doesn’t the fact that I won her show her that I appreciate her?” “Wasn’t appreciating her part of the whole ‘winning her’ thing?” “Can’t I just quietly slip out of bed, grab my clothes and shoes and leave…or maybe just call her a cab?” Sure. Go ahead. I’m sure she’ll let you know just how much she felt appreciated if you do that. Let me know how that works out for you.
You know when a woman’s feminine heart feels unappreciated. She is angry, grouchy and irritable. She doesn’t take care of herself. She withdraws, withholds, shuts down, closes up. She complains and nags, takes charge, tells you what to do, does things herself that she expected you to do. She undermines and threatens. She usurps your power, cuts you down to size and goes for your balls.
You may think her anger, however she expresses it, is a punishment for you, but it isn’t. Every woman knows that when she is feeling unappreciated and unloved, and is acting out in anger because of it, she is really punishing herself. Deep down in her heart, she blames herself for your lack of attention, presence and integrity. She feels she is not beautiful or loveable. She feels worthless and unseen. If you think this is how she wants to feel, then you probably think that a 4.6L DOHC 4 valve per cylinder engine sounds better with a thrown rod.
Whatever social, philosophical or psychological partnership models and rules you subscribe to, however much you value being equal partners in an equitable and comfortable 50-50 relationship, those blueprints no longer apply at this point (and never really did). When you promised to be with this woman, whether you asked for it or not, she gave you her heart. She trusted you with it. You are responsible for it. It is in your hands. If you aren’t willing to do whatever needs to be done to rise to the occasion, you should save yourself, and her, a lot of trouble, pain and grief, and simply leave.
This is a challenge, a test, my friend. She wants you to step up. She has given her heart to you and she is laying it bare, open and raw before you because she knows—she knows in the very fiber of her being—that you have what it takes, that you measure up, and that you are the man for the job. But she’s not going to keep offering her heart to you forever. Sooner or later, if you don’t step up, you’ll have used your time outs and the buzzer will sound. This is a challenge. Take it as such. Men grow through challenge. Time to separate the men from the boys.
This sounds harsh. It sounds impossible. It sounds like a hassle and a burden. A real pain in the ass. The short end of the stick. But, as men, we aren’t always attuned to the subtle messages and nuances of the feminine heart. She has probably been turning up the volume for years before we have finally heard how she feels. For many of us, it’s too late when it gets to this point. She is too angry to open up to us again, to trust us again and feel the pain of our failure to respond one more time. She leaves.
There you have it. She’s gone. No more hassle. No more burden. No more pain in the ass. Finally, a fair deal. We’re free, right? Or are we? If we can’t find our freedom, a sense of knowing who we are and what we’re here to do, while we’re in the midst of relationship and its inherent pathos and drama, then we are not really free at all, are we (notice, that’s not a question.)
The Challenge
I paint a pretty harrowing picture, I know. Edvard Munch’s painting, The Scream, comes to mind. But it doesn’t have to be this way (yet again.) As a matter of fact, there are some basic instructions you can follow to troubleshoot, repair and maintain your relationship and deeply serve the feminine heart in your life, to encourage her in giving her gift of beauty to you and to the world (figuratively speaking, of course, unless you’re into that sort of thing.)
This is a challenge, yes. But taking on this challenge presents us with unforeseen rewards. Each time we step up and stand our ground in the miraculous, tumultuous, unfathomable heart of a woman, while not compromising our freedom and integrity, we accomplish several things: we take back our balls; we allow her to give us her pleasure (which is a greater reward than feeling our own pleasure); and we become better men. If you need a payoff, and serving your woman for her sake, not yours, isn’t your primary motivation, then these rewards probably won’t be enough for you either. Better to stop reading here.
But, if you’re feeling man enough to take up the gauntlet, then enter at your own risk, for here there be dragons.
How do you appreciate a woman? 1. Earn her trust. 2. Claim her heart. 3. Be fully present with her. 4. Push past her defenses
To perfect the slapshot you have to first have a proper stance on the ice, followed by proper puck positioning, and finish with proper weight transfer and follow through with your swing. If your initial stance is out of balance, the whole shot is off, but when each phase of the shot is mastered and performed in the proper sequence, the whole slapshot transcends the sum of its parts and becomes a beautiful and powerful act of artistry. The four phases of appreciating a woman are the same. It works best to gain competency in one phase before moving on to the next. Once competency is gained in all four phases, the phases of the process can come together masterfully and artfully.
1. Earn Her Trust
Keep your word. Walk your talk. Take the initiative. Decide what you’re going to do, tell her what and when, and then do it. Seems simple enough, doesn’t it?
Before we can keep our word, we have to take the initiative, decide what our word is, and then we have to say it out loud. This takes more courage than we like to admit. Every time we take the initiative and make a decision and voice it, we risk rejection. Remember, nobody ever died from rejection, and the fear of it is always worse than the reality. If your woman knows you’ll collapse at the first sign of rejection, she’ll keep pressing that Big Red Button until you overcome it. She will continue to test you. That’s her job. You will continue to rise to the occasion. That’s your job.
Refusing to take initiative is the safe way out. We know it well. Ever say something like this to your woman? “Honey, it’s your birthday, and I want to take you out to dinner, and then shopping. We can go anywhere you want, just let me know what you decide!” I imagine you got a favorable response.
Have you ever tried something like this? “It’s your birthday. We’re going out. Wear something dressy, black and above the knee. Pack an overnight bag with the red panties, bra and fishnets that make you wet when you wear them. Be ready by eight.” Try it. Thank me later.
If you don’t take the initiative, you put your woman in the position of doing so, and she will feel you don’t trust yourself to take the lead. She wants to trust you, but she won’t if you don’t trust yourself. Why should she?
Taking the initiative doesn’t mean you’re being selfish and laying down the law. This isn’t D/S 101. Take the initiative with confidence, but remember you are doing so not for your own ego or pleasure, but to allow her to trust you, which is what you both want. If she offers positive feedback, then go with it. If she offers negative feedback, then re-evaluate your decision and make a new plan. Honor her feeling. It is her gift to you. But take it as information, not as a Royal Decree.
I have found that a woman’s heart takes priority over her words, and that her heart and her words aren’t always on the same page. She feels appreciated when you trust her heart and feelings more than her words and push past her words into her heart. (Don’t buy that? How many times have you asked an obviously angry or distraught woman what’s wrong and gotten the response, “Nothing!”?)
Taking the initiative is a necessary risk if you want to begin appreciating the feminine heart of the one you love. But keeping your word is the next step in Phase 1 of earning her trust.
Women love Harrison Ford and the men he portrays. Indiana Jones. Han Solo. John Book. Jack Ryan. Even Allie Fox, the over-driven inventor from Mosquito Coast. A defining quality they all share? They say what they’re going to do and they go hell bent for leather, risking life, limb and the security of families, nations and galaxies to get it done (and not even their woman pleading with them not to go or threatening them with divorce or death will keep them from their appointed tasks, their missions, their raison d’etre, which we will address later). Take out the garbage, come home from work on time or give her that back rub like you promised, with that attitude, and see how that reads on the Trust-O-Meter.
We’re talking about integrity here. There is very little that wounds and hurts the feminine heart more than broken promises and patterns of not doing what we say we will do. Taking the initiative and following through is a tall order for generations of men who were taught from an early age that they should be good boys and not be too assertive. Many men have become too accommodating of others to act at all. Strong masculine hearts that are decisive and trustable are too rare, but developing those qualities is a way to deeply appreciate a woman.
There’s a back door to this. If you don’t actually plan to leave the toilet seat down, mow the lawn before the game, or fix her broken headlight after work, then DON’T promise to do it. It’s far better to say NO, than to say YES and not follow through. She will trust and appreciate your NO, as long as you follow through with it. Oh, she may storm or complain, but if you stick to your guns, she will appreciate that you know what you can and can’t do, and when, and that you manage and value your time and energy enough not to placate her with empty promises.
2. Claim Her Heart
It’s a good day to die!
It belongs in a museum!
This is your mission if you choose to accept it.
To boldly go where no man has gone before.
To protect and serve.
I’m here to chew bubblegum and kick ass—and I’m all out of bubblegum.
Neither snow, nor rain, nor heat, nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds.
A woman who feels your claim on her heart is a woman who feels deeply appreciated. A woman wants you to take her, pin her to the wall (or table, or floor, or bed) and claim her fully and completely—body, heart and soul. But she doesn’t want to be the reason you wake up in the morning, what drives you, what makes you tick. She doesn’t want to be your reason for being alive. She doesn’t want to be your mission in life. And you can’t claim anyone until you have staked your own claim in the world. She may say that she wants to be your everything but, if you make her your everything, she will know you are easily manipulated and swayed from your course and she won’t fully trust you.
You cannot claim your woman’s heart and make her feel, of all the wildflowers on the mountainside, that she is the woman you choose, unless you know who you are and where you’re going. She wants to be your inspiration, the energy that fires you up to take on the world, your healing balm when you return home from the battle. She will not feel appreciated if you fumble around in life with no greater purpose or mission than to make it to the weekend to watch the game, play your X-Box, or go out with the guys. If you don’t know where you’re going in life, she won’t feel safe enough to let her guard down and fully open up to you, and she will take responsibility for where the relationship is going because you have abdicated not only the responsibility for taking the lead in the relationship but the responsibility of taking the lead in your own life. A woman doesn’t open her heart when she feels needed. She opens her heart when she feels wanted. Life is a great adventure, and a woman wants to be a part of that adventure with you.
There is a John Cusack movie, one of his earlier teenage chick flicks, Say Anything. If you recall, when Cusack’s character, Lloyd, first meets his new girlfriend’s father at dinner, and the father is grilling him about what he wants to do with his life, Lloyd says, “What I want to do with my life is be with your daughter. I’m good at it.” At that moment, Lloyd became even more of a sweetheart to many of the women watching him, but it also became clear that Lloyd had no direction in his own life and was following his girlfriend around like a puppy.
The woman in your life wants to feel that you are living on purpose, that you have a mission that is greater than her and greater than yourself, that you know who you are and what you’re supposed to be doing while you’re here. And she wants to feel that you would rather die than turn from your course, and that you want to die with the rudder in your hands.
If you don’t know who you are or where you’re going, stop whatever you’re doing, including reading this how-to article, and find out. You can’t claim a woman’s heart if you don’t have any ground to stand on. And she won’t feel appreciated if she feels that she is distracting you from knowing who you are and where you’re going.
The masculine heart feels no greater pain than not knowing who he is and where he’s going. Finding out who you are and where you’re going requires that you move out of your comfort zone and be tested, learn your place in the Big Picture, and learn your mission and purpose from whatever you discover is greater than yourself. Nothing you can do will show your appreciation for your woman more than this.
But this is an article informing men how to appreciate a woman, not an article informing men how to live on purpose (although they intersect) so if you’d like that information, or you’re a woman who wants a man in your life to have it, give me a shout out, maybe there’s a how-to waiting to be written.
3. Be Fully Present
Does the woman in your life have to put a shot clock on the nightstand and get open outside the 3 point line to get your attention?
If light, flowers, art, and beauty were persons, they would all want the same thing. They would want to be seen, noticed and paid attention to. That is their nature. Same goes for the woman in your life. The more deeply she is seen, the more she will reveal herself.
You know that a woman is feeling appreciated when she reveals herself to you. She will feel appreciated and reveal herself to you if you focus your full attention on her and are fully present with her without distraction. To a woman, experiencing your full presence is like experiencing your seeing right into her heart and soul.
A woman also knows when you are not paying attention, when you are not noticing her, when you are not fully present. What are the things that distract you from being fully present with your woman? Does the woman in your life wonder if you’d rather be sleeping with David Letterman, your double-bevel laser-leveled compound mitre saw, Yuna from Final Fantasy, or your best friend, Stan?
Am I saying that you have to be fully present with your woman every moment? No. And she doesn’t want that either. As I mentioned, if the woman in your life is the only thing that attracts your attention and presence, she will know you have no sense of who you are and where you’re going. I’m saying that when you have promised to be with your woman, she will feel more appreciated if you give her your full presence and attention.
If you have promised, either directly or indirectly, to be with your woman, and you are distracted by something, your woman will feel that she is less attractive than whatever has distracted you. You may know that she’s more important to you than the latest rerun of Mythbusters, but she won’t feel the truth of that in her heart. She’ll feel unseen, unloved, and unappreciated. Is testing the deceleration rate of various ballistic projectiles in water really worth it?
A masculine heart is not a rainbow. It is a laser beam (doesn’t that make you feel like a superhero?) If you’re a man who has trouble staying on target, focusing all your attention and presence on your priority on the moment, whether that is your work, your play or your woman, then basic relaxation and meditation exercises can help.
You can find books, audio and video, and information on the Internet that provides instruction on basic relaxation and meditation. Only 5-10 minutes a day of mental focusing practices can make a difference in your ability to remain present and undistracted, and it will improve your focus and attention in every area of your life, including your relationships. Don’t take my word for it. Try it and see if the woman in your life feels more appreciated when you’re with her.
When a woman feels your deep presence, she feels she can relax, let her guard down, and reveal herself deeply in her many colors and textures and hues and shapes. Remember, a feminine heart is like the weather, always changing and unfolding. She is the beauty of the calm and the storm, the light and the dark, the heat and the cold.
A woman will even begin to test you when she feels your attention and presence become more focused. She will begin to seemingly throw surprise behaviors and mood changes at you, which will seem irrational and out of the blue (because, to the masculine, they are.) She will feel appreciated if you hold your focus and presence and do not collapse. She doesn’t want to feel you check out, no matter what aspect of her heart she is revealing to you. She wants to be seen fully, even in her wildest, darkest and scariest aspects, and she wants to know you will not collapse, run or check out.
For example, a sure way to get my wife to strip for me and give me a lap dance is for me to work on a project in the same room that she’s in. If I lose focus on my project and pay attention to her, I may get some sugar, but if I stay my course and don’t collapse, I end up with her, um, deeper appreciation (read her how-to entitled How To Appreciate a Man for what that means).
4. Push Past Her Defenses
Once you have earned her trust, claimed her heart, and established a pattern of being present with her without distraction, she will want more. Who wouldn’t? Once she feels appreciated enough to give you her trust, you can continue to appreciate her even more by pushing past her defenses and guiding her to reveal parts of herself that she would not reveal if she didn’t trust you.
You have come to a point with the woman in your life that she trusts you and feels appreciated on a consistent basis. She can still open even more and reveal even more of herself to you, which is what she longs to do. She longs to give herself to you and trust you as completely as possible. She never feels any more appreciated than when you honor her longing by making yourself into a man she can keep revealing more of herself to, the man she knows you are deep down in her secret heart.
Knowing the ways in which your woman wants to open is a matter of feeling what she wants in her heart, feeling what she wants no matter what her behavior and words may say. It’s easy to get confused and be uncertain. Feeling her heart takes practice, but it can be done. It’s not magic.
You can remember those moments when you knew she would enjoy a night out with friends more even though she said she’d rather just stay home, or when she said nothing was wrong but you knew something was bothering her, or when she would feel more attractive in the red dress than the formal black. (And sometimes, no matter what she says, no matter how devoted she’s been to the low-glycemic index since a waffle-less breakfast, she really does want ice cream.)
Use those moments as guidelines to remind you that feeling her heart and acting for her sake is possible, to remember what it feels like when you do it, and practice feeling her heart and pushing past her defenses even though she may be scared or may initially protest.
My wife is a practicing doula, which is a woman who helps women, couples and families during pregnancy, birth and during the first months of the new baby’s life through education and physical and emotional support. My wife’s secret dream was to become a doula. Her first husband wanted her to have “real” job like a “normal” person.
When we first married, my wife could barely even talk with me about her dream. She was so sensitive and full of self-doubt about her dream that, on several occasions, she actually ran and hid when I brought the subject up. I could feel her desire to do this work and offer her amazing gifts in such a vocation even through her fear and self-doubt.
Through encouragement and persistence, I continued to make it safe and possible for her to make her dream a reality. Today she is a much sought-after practicing doula. I don’t take any credit for who she is or what she’s doing. I just helped her by pushing past her defenses and comfort zone so she could find the courage to do what was already in her to do. I earned her trust, claimed her heart and practiced being present with her as the groundwork for helping her to make her dream a reality.
Appreciating a woman is not about what you do, but about who you are. Deeply appreciating a woman requires that you become a trustable and strong man of integrity, because a woman feels most deeply appreciated when she can open her heart and reveal her deep beauty, pleasure, joy and love to you. You can become that man and appreciate your woman by earning her trust, claiming her heart, being fully present with her, and pushing past her defenses.
How to Appologize
In the last few years, it has come to my attention that some people are really bad at apologizing. I’m not entirely sure why this is, but has become increasingly obvious to me. Apologies can easily seem half-assed and meaningless, but a real apology is priceless. It’s not about groveling for forgiveness; it’s about showing remorse and trying to make the situation better.
Below, you will find some key points of how to apologize to a woman. Men usually don’t comment on the quality of an apology, nor do they seem to criticize an apology when they receive one; therefore, it is safe to assume that this form works for both genders, although I would be happy to hear if any men contradict this.
1) The first step is to actually utter the words “I’m sorry”. Now, this may sound rather simple, but it’s almost scary how many people have a hard time with those words. Of course, the words themselves are not enough. If you scream them, or say them in a way that sound devoid of emotion, these words will be meaningless. They only have power when they are uttered with a tone of remorse.
2) Next, you must acknowledge what you did. This can be a range of things, but should always include the action/words that caused this apology to be necessary, as well as whatever pain and suffering came along with that. It is not enough to just apologize for some vague thing — this step is necessary for making the person who has been hurt (sometimes both parties) feel that their concerns have been heard.
3) Beyond that, you must admit that your actions were wrong. Sometimes just using that word can make all the difference. If you skip that part, the other person will assume that you feel justified in your actions, and the apology will be nullified. Of course, there are situations where you do not think all your actions were wrong. In this case, state those actions you do believe were wrong, and clarify your others in the next step.
4) Now, it is necessary to explain your intent. Usually, when people do something that necessitates an apology, they were trying to do something else and something went wrong. As such, it is important to explain what you were trying to do when things went awry. Of course, it is important to explain that this is NOT AN EXCUSE! You are not trying to get away with what you did, but just make it clear that it was not your intention to upset the other person. You can even say outright, “This is not an excuse. I want to explain why I did what I did, but I am not trying to say that what I did was the right thing to do.”
5) This is the part that most people forget to do. This when it is important to explain what the person means to you, and how much you want to make amends. This makes any apology go above and beyond, to the point of actually helping to move towards reconciliation. You wouldn’t apologize if you didn’t want the other person to accept your apology, so make sure they know what your relationship (working, friendship or otherwise) means to you, to let them know that it has some value to you and is worth fixing. If appropriate, this can be a good time to give the person a compliment (that is in some way connected to the precipitating incident) and explain the importance they have in your life; you have hurt this person, it’s time to try to make them feel better.
6) Repeat these steps until your apology is accepted and you are able to make peace with the person.
7) Be open to letting them say what hurt/bothered them. Even if they’ve already told you before. Sometimes they will need to say again why they are upset. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY SAY! This is what you must mention again in steps two and three. If they feel the need to repeat it, it is probably because they do not feel that you have heard them/understood. If, after repeating step two twice or more, ask them if you have covered everything or left anything out. Remember, you want to make sure they know that they’ve been heard, and sometimes just checking will make them know that this is important to you and that you really want to make sure you understand why they are upset.
8) At the beginning of the next conversation, it is helpful to just make sure the person is feeling okay. Sometimes, new things bubble up after an apology, and if you want to move forward in peace with that person, just make sure that everything is still as you left it at the end of your apologetic conversation.
Of course, every person has their own style, and specific things that may be more or less important to them. However, if you follow these steps, your apology is more likely to be successful. Now remember, if it is insincere, the other person will know! These steps will only work if you truly feel remorse, and are just unsure of how to express it.
Below, you will find some key points of how to apologize to a woman. Men usually don’t comment on the quality of an apology, nor do they seem to criticize an apology when they receive one; therefore, it is safe to assume that this form works for both genders, although I would be happy to hear if any men contradict this.
1) The first step is to actually utter the words “I’m sorry”. Now, this may sound rather simple, but it’s almost scary how many people have a hard time with those words. Of course, the words themselves are not enough. If you scream them, or say them in a way that sound devoid of emotion, these words will be meaningless. They only have power when they are uttered with a tone of remorse.
2) Next, you must acknowledge what you did. This can be a range of things, but should always include the action/words that caused this apology to be necessary, as well as whatever pain and suffering came along with that. It is not enough to just apologize for some vague thing — this step is necessary for making the person who has been hurt (sometimes both parties) feel that their concerns have been heard.
3) Beyond that, you must admit that your actions were wrong. Sometimes just using that word can make all the difference. If you skip that part, the other person will assume that you feel justified in your actions, and the apology will be nullified. Of course, there are situations where you do not think all your actions were wrong. In this case, state those actions you do believe were wrong, and clarify your others in the next step.
4) Now, it is necessary to explain your intent. Usually, when people do something that necessitates an apology, they were trying to do something else and something went wrong. As such, it is important to explain what you were trying to do when things went awry. Of course, it is important to explain that this is NOT AN EXCUSE! You are not trying to get away with what you did, but just make it clear that it was not your intention to upset the other person. You can even say outright, “This is not an excuse. I want to explain why I did what I did, but I am not trying to say that what I did was the right thing to do.”
5) This is the part that most people forget to do. This when it is important to explain what the person means to you, and how much you want to make amends. This makes any apology go above and beyond, to the point of actually helping to move towards reconciliation. You wouldn’t apologize if you didn’t want the other person to accept your apology, so make sure they know what your relationship (working, friendship or otherwise) means to you, to let them know that it has some value to you and is worth fixing. If appropriate, this can be a good time to give the person a compliment (that is in some way connected to the precipitating incident) and explain the importance they have in your life; you have hurt this person, it’s time to try to make them feel better.
6) Repeat these steps until your apology is accepted and you are able to make peace with the person.
7) Be open to letting them say what hurt/bothered them. Even if they’ve already told you before. Sometimes they will need to say again why they are upset. PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT THEY SAY! This is what you must mention again in steps two and three. If they feel the need to repeat it, it is probably because they do not feel that you have heard them/understood. If, after repeating step two twice or more, ask them if you have covered everything or left anything out. Remember, you want to make sure they know that they’ve been heard, and sometimes just checking will make them know that this is important to you and that you really want to make sure you understand why they are upset.
8) At the beginning of the next conversation, it is helpful to just make sure the person is feeling okay. Sometimes, new things bubble up after an apology, and if you want to move forward in peace with that person, just make sure that everything is still as you left it at the end of your apologetic conversation.
Of course, every person has their own style, and specific things that may be more or less important to them. However, if you follow these steps, your apology is more likely to be successful. Now remember, if it is insincere, the other person will know! These steps will only work if you truly feel remorse, and are just unsure of how to express it.
How to be the Perfect Wife
A Man’s Perspective
I am going to give you ladies a few pointers on how to be the perfect wife. I know I will probably get a bunch of hate mail but some things you just have to let slide.
Remember women we are men, Neanderthals to the core. We aren’t perfect like you, we are men and we are going to act like men most of the time.
First, and this is a hard one for a lot of ladies to understand but we are going to look at other women. So take it for what it is, a look. Don’t be smacking your guy just because a cute little tart or some sexy thing walks by and his eyes wander. It doesn’t mean he is going to run off with her and have a mad passionate affair. It is just a natural instinct to check out a member of the opposite sex.
Second, and this is a big one that has to be worked out between the couple but porn can bring a lot of trouble in a relationship. Men have been looking at porn since the first nude pictures were available. If you have a problem with it let him know about it. Another way to overcome this problem is to join him in watching or reading the material that turns him on. If the same thing doesn’t turn you on find something that does and then you can each treat each other to your fetishes.
Third, clothes on the floor. If your man is anything like me, then they have a real problem with leaving a trail of clothes after the workday throughout the house. Let me tell you ladies after a hard day we sometimes become retarded and don’t think that clearly. The first thought in my head is I have to get out of these fricking clothes. But when we do this don’t make an issue out of it like it is the end of the world. If you have a problem with it just hint or nicely say “Hey Hun you left your clothes on the floor.” Don’t be condescending and bitchy; be nice it will go a lot further.
Fourth, the dreaded toilet seat! You girls can’t even begin to understand what a pain in the ass it is to raise up the toilet seat time and time again. If he leaves it up then just put it down. You could just as easily put it up after you are done so your man doesn’t have too! And for you ladies that say you fell into the bowl and got wet ass, why the heck aren’t you looking before you sit down!
Fifth, sex, sex and more sex! Do you have a man that wants sex all the time? Do you have a man that doesn’t want sex as much as you? If you have a man that wants it all the time and you just aren’t in the mood don’t get pissed off if he wants relief. Let him jerk off right in front of you and don’t be put off about it (he could take his desires else where). If you have a man that doesn’t want it as much as you, then you can masturbate. I can assure you once a guy sees you masturbating it won’t take long before he is in the mood.
Sixth, if you are a homemaker and don’t have a job be just that. Take pride in your house and make it so your husband can bring over a guest at anytime and not be embarrassed at the state of the home. Keep it clean and he will appreciate your efforts. If you are a working woman then make a schedule between the two of you with duties each will do so that neither of you are feeling that you are doing more than the other. If you are not working it is always nice feeling for a man to come home to dinner on the stove. I know it sounds a bit Leave it to Beaver but trust me he will love ya for it!
Seventh, treat him with a nice unexpected gift from time to time. You know how much you like getting flowers or a card for no reason, well men like getting things too!
Eighth, dress up for him. You want to rock his world. Make a point when you know the kids are going to be out for a period of time to dress up extra sexy for him. Wear your sexiest out fit and serve him dinner. Go up to bed a little before him and have the candles lit and be on the bed in your favorite position waiting for him. We like surprises like that.
Remember we are only men. We are not mind readers. The blunter you are with us the more we will get what you are trying to say. So if you want a glass of water ask for the glass of water don’t sit there and play word games to see if we can figure it out!
I hope I didn’t insult any of you ladies these are just pointers to what this man and many more like me enjoy and want.
I am going to give you ladies a few pointers on how to be the perfect wife. I know I will probably get a bunch of hate mail but some things you just have to let slide.
Remember women we are men, Neanderthals to the core. We aren’t perfect like you, we are men and we are going to act like men most of the time.
First, and this is a hard one for a lot of ladies to understand but we are going to look at other women. So take it for what it is, a look. Don’t be smacking your guy just because a cute little tart or some sexy thing walks by and his eyes wander. It doesn’t mean he is going to run off with her and have a mad passionate affair. It is just a natural instinct to check out a member of the opposite sex.
Second, and this is a big one that has to be worked out between the couple but porn can bring a lot of trouble in a relationship. Men have been looking at porn since the first nude pictures were available. If you have a problem with it let him know about it. Another way to overcome this problem is to join him in watching or reading the material that turns him on. If the same thing doesn’t turn you on find something that does and then you can each treat each other to your fetishes.
Third, clothes on the floor. If your man is anything like me, then they have a real problem with leaving a trail of clothes after the workday throughout the house. Let me tell you ladies after a hard day we sometimes become retarded and don’t think that clearly. The first thought in my head is I have to get out of these fricking clothes. But when we do this don’t make an issue out of it like it is the end of the world. If you have a problem with it just hint or nicely say “Hey Hun you left your clothes on the floor.” Don’t be condescending and bitchy; be nice it will go a lot further.
Fourth, the dreaded toilet seat! You girls can’t even begin to understand what a pain in the ass it is to raise up the toilet seat time and time again. If he leaves it up then just put it down. You could just as easily put it up after you are done so your man doesn’t have too! And for you ladies that say you fell into the bowl and got wet ass, why the heck aren’t you looking before you sit down!
Fifth, sex, sex and more sex! Do you have a man that wants sex all the time? Do you have a man that doesn’t want sex as much as you? If you have a man that wants it all the time and you just aren’t in the mood don’t get pissed off if he wants relief. Let him jerk off right in front of you and don’t be put off about it (he could take his desires else where). If you have a man that doesn’t want it as much as you, then you can masturbate. I can assure you once a guy sees you masturbating it won’t take long before he is in the mood.
Sixth, if you are a homemaker and don’t have a job be just that. Take pride in your house and make it so your husband can bring over a guest at anytime and not be embarrassed at the state of the home. Keep it clean and he will appreciate your efforts. If you are a working woman then make a schedule between the two of you with duties each will do so that neither of you are feeling that you are doing more than the other. If you are not working it is always nice feeling for a man to come home to dinner on the stove. I know it sounds a bit Leave it to Beaver but trust me he will love ya for it!
Seventh, treat him with a nice unexpected gift from time to time. You know how much you like getting flowers or a card for no reason, well men like getting things too!
Eighth, dress up for him. You want to rock his world. Make a point when you know the kids are going to be out for a period of time to dress up extra sexy for him. Wear your sexiest out fit and serve him dinner. Go up to bed a little before him and have the candles lit and be on the bed in your favorite position waiting for him. We like surprises like that.
Remember we are only men. We are not mind readers. The blunter you are with us the more we will get what you are trying to say. So if you want a glass of water ask for the glass of water don’t sit there and play word games to see if we can figure it out!
I hope I didn’t insult any of you ladies these are just pointers to what this man and many more like me enjoy and want.
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